Chipotle, St. Marks location; New York, NY

In space no one can hear you fart

Location: Corridor off to the side of the eating area. Next to the elevator, why there is an elevator is a mystery for another time.

Bowl: Standard bowl, clean and about 60 feet from the urinal. 4/5

Area: It looks like it has seen very little use which is strange considering the effects those burritos can have on someone. No walls or doors for the toilet area but this is not an issue because this is a one person bathroom and YOU have the key for it. I think I might move in with all of the space it offers. 5/5

Intangibles: I like the red brick liek floors, the metal sink left a little to be desired but did I mention, this is a bathroom built for 1! 4/5

Final Verdict: For a place that serves huge burritos you would expect a nightmarish bathroom that would close your bowels forever but the people at this Chipotle are doing their customers right by keeping it clean and making it personal. Be sure to bring your paper as you gear up for burrito 2 at Chipotle.

Bob Evans: Westminster, Maryland

And when your days are darkest a light shall lead your way.

Location: Behind hostess station in front of restaurant.

Bowl: Standard bowl, small shit residue but nothing to distract you from doing your business. 4/5



Area: This is one of the rarest public bathrooms, for as you see above this one has a door that closes flush. What does that mean? PRIVACY! Sweet glorious privacy. 5/5

Intangibles: The smell in this bathroom had a pleasantly faint smell of lemon but the perfection that the stall seems to exude is ruined by a sink that can only be classified as a disaster (unfortunately I was unable to get a shot) 1/5

Final Verdict: If not for the sink troubles we would have public perfection but instead we get an almost perfect Bring a paper. Still after eating your weight in breakfast foods how could you have a problem with that?

Killmeyer's Old Bavaria Inn: Staten Island, NY

It was a dark and scary bathroom but thankfully there was no shit monster located on the bowl.

Location: just passed the door that leads to the Beer garden

Bowl: While no toilet will ever be clean enough to eat off of this one isn't too bad. The fact that a previous urinator failed to flush should not detract from the cleanliness of this porcelain throne. 5/5

Area: Sight lines will almost always be a problem in public bathrooms it is as if the owners of these establishments want you to feel self conscious as you shit and this bathroom is no different. The bathroom also looks like it is being lighted to save energy, it is just a very dark bathroom which makes you feel as if you are shitting in a dirty gas station bathroom. So you get the feeling that someone is watching you while you shit in a dirty toilet and then you add claustrophobia into the mix due to how small the stall is, simply put this is not the best situation for which you can reflect on your day as you sit upon the pearly throne. 0/5

Intangibles: Nothing extraordinary here, just a plain old toilet stall. 0/5

Final Verdict: maybe if they put higher wattage bulbs in the bathroom and centered the toilet so that your leg wouldn't rub against the wall I could enjoy this toilet more. Hell, if they just turned up the lights I wouldn't have cared if the stall was cramped or not but they don;t and it is so this is an In and Outer.

McDonalds: East Village Manhattan

Some sights are not for the weak of stomach and some toilet bowls are not for the shy or small asses. So this is all wrong.

Location: In basement of McDonalds which is located on Broadway intersecting Waverly Place.

Bowl: Crooked and poorly installed but it is shockingly clean. The only real problem with the bowl is slight rusting of the pipes but that isn't too unexpected due to the fact that many drunk people have probably peed on them. 2/5


Area: Just look at the discoloration of the tiles, absolutely horrifyingly dirty . Added negative for being a door less stall which is just wrong since once you eat at Mickey D's it is only a matter of moments before you have to relieve yourself of it. Plus it is rather tight in there. 0/5

Intangibles: The picture above is of the sink area, you might as well wash your hands off by shoving it up your ass. Besides the dinginess of everything in the hole you also get the smell which consists of day old McDonald's burgers and a faint whiff of moth balls. Oh and the outer door does not lock which just about guarantees that you WILL have an audience during your BM. 0/5

Final Verdict: Look, there are some really great public bathrooms and I am not purposely going after the worst one's right at the start but I think we can all see from the pictures that this is a clear HOLD IT from a mile away.