American Crapper

Applebee's; Staten Island, New York (New Dorp Location)

2010-05-17T20:13:00.000-04:00

The dark fury of an unkempt bathroom

This isn't so much a review of the toilet and the stall it resides in as it is for the bathroom itself and really there isn't much to say that the picture doesn't.

This was taken about 6 o'clock on a Sunday afternoon in a not necessarily packed Applebee's restaurant and yet no one could take care of this disgusting bathroom? This is only the tip of the iceberg too. There were more papers under the sink, paper towels were jammed in the automatic feeder and the toilet was used...USED! Disgusting.

Needless to say you should probably hold it if you hit this Applebee's and that is going to be hard because personally, if I eat their food it isn't staying with me for the whole ride home.

The Wharf; New York, NY

2010-05-08T12:01:00.005-04:00

Shown Actual size

Bowl: standard size bowl, clean 4/5

Area: I understand that space is at a premium in NYC but when the bathroom is so small that you feel like any sudden move is going to have you crash through the door is not good. It was moderately tidy butat this size you would pretty much have to try hard to not keep it clean. 1/5

Intangibles: Because it is so small there is no way you will have a pop in because if you did you would be pissing on each other 5/5

Final Verdict: If it were larger you could probably spend some quality time in this crapper but the feeling of claustrophobia hits quickly when you are standing to pee and your ass hits the door. So let's leave this as a In and Out kind of joint but on the higher side of the scale.

Double tree Hotel; Tarrytown, NY

2010-05-03T20:30:00.006-04:00

Some signs make you wonder why they are there to begin with.

This was sent to me by my friend and friend of the blog Brian, he saw this picture and knew it needed to find it's way onto this page. Because of this I don't have a full review but I will do my best.

Location: In the main lobby

Bowl: Lacking 0/5

Area: Looks very clean and the sign appears to be put on straight 5/5

Intangibles: If you can't fin humor in a sign like this then you sir have no sense of humor 5/5

Final Verdict: Really you have to Hold it when it comes to this bathroom but I wonder if some drunk guy missed the sign completely and necessitated the move by management to put up this warning sign. It is really a health and safety move anyway, piss on the floor is not very hygienic and without a wet floor sign, it is an accident liability as well.

Chipotle, St. Marks location; New York, NY

2009-09-04T10:19:00.002-04:00

In space no one can hear you fart

Location: Corridor off to the side of the eating area. Next to the elevator, why there is an elevator is a mystery for another time.

Bowl: Standard bowl, clean and about 60 feet from the urinal. 4/5

Area: It looks like it has seen very little use which is strange considering the effects those burritos can have on someone. No walls or doors for the toilet area but this is not an issue because this is a one person bathroom and YOU have the key for it. I think I might move in with all of the space it offers. 5/5

Intangibles: I like the red brick liek floors, the metal sink left a little to be desired but did I mention, this is a bathroom built for 1! 4/5

Final Verdict: For a place that serves huge burritos you would expect a nightmarish bathroom that would close your bowels forever but the people at this Chipotle are doing their customers right by keeping it clean and making it personal. Be sure to bring your paper as you gear up for burrito 2 at Chipotle.

Staten Island Ferry (JFK Boat); New York harbor

2009-08-26T14:18:00.004-04:00

I believe the toilet from Trainspotting has met its match

Location: First floor on the JFK boat, men's room

Bowl: It is missing the seat! I mean the review is over at this point but I guess we can continue, if you dare. 0/5

Area: Umm, there is no door so no privacy, the tp holder is a chain, there is NO door but it is very airy which is nice. 0/5

Intangibles: The sinks are nasty but you wouldn't use the bathroom here anyway so why would you use the sink? There are also no cowboy hats but there is no seat on the stall so there is no place for one? Oh, and it stinks! 0/5

Final Verdict: Are you still reading this with any sort of suspense? Hold it, don't even think about it and try not to even walk past it for it may haunt your nightmares for the rest of your life.

Waldorf Astoria; New York, NY

2009-08-03T07:12:00.007-04:00

Class means never using the toilet for a #2

This is part 1, next we will have the ladies room which I hear is amazing but have not seen the pictures yet.

Location: First floor lobby area, close to 50th street

Bowl: Clean and small but with paper everywhere. Apparently someone wanted a bunch of free cowboy hats from the big city. 3/5

Area: The toilet covers where a mess and it looks like many were put back in the box making them unusable because who knows what was in there before me putting them back in the box. The area was also kind of tight and huge gaping opening for anyone to check you out while you were doing your business, not exactly a welcoming feeling. Everything was in beautiful marble though. 1/5

Intangibles: Now what we don't see here is that the sink area is absolutely magnificent. Possibly the most beautiful sink area I have seen in a public bathroom ever. The soap was soap and not watered down, everything was immaculately clean and marble everywhere. I think i am in love. 5/5

Final verdict: I actually believe that they made the bathrooms this beautiful and an non functional just so you will book a room there to check out what the room bathrooms look like. Unfortunately I don't have answers for this and can only say that the men out there better hold it when they come to this bathroom.

Tropicana Casino and Hotel: Atlantic City, NJ

2009-07-19T12:18:00.005-04:00

I believe there is a Kenny Rogers song about a bathroom like this

Location: Back of casino close to the penny slots, go figure

Bowl: As you can see from the video above, it appears that someone was so drunk they thought they could pull a double decker on a bowl with no tank on the back of it. The results...shot on the back of the bowl. Also the mettle appears to be rusted, or is that shit as well? 0/5

Area: underwhelming, tight, plenty of peep hole cracks which would have led to an uncomfortable session. 2/5

Intangibles: The soap was watered down, not just one of the soap stations either as I spent a great amount of time at this casino and all of them were like this. Besides that it was an average bathroom. 1/5

Final Verdict: I just figured out the title of the song is "The Gambler" and while he may have been talking about holding cards, when it comes to this bathroom you better just Hold It in.

Borgata Hotel, Casino & Spa: Atlantic City, NJ

2009-07-17T13:05:00.006-04:00

Sometimes a beautiful picture from a far is ugly up close

Location: My hotel room on the 21st floor

Bowl: as the video shows, yellow piss stains mark a somewhat small bowl. Added bonus is that it is a low flow bowl making flushing it so much fun. 0/5

Area: It would have been better minus the hair and pee stain, this caused an issue because the toilet paper roll could not stay on it's holder so I may have wiped my ass with a hairy or piss covered piece of tp a few times. On a sunnier note, the toilet is in a separate area which is convenient if someone wants to take a shower or use the sink. 1/5

Inatngabiles: We asked them to clean the bathroom 3 times without andy action taken by the staff. We found makeup on a towel but there was a phone in the throne room! 1/5

Final Verdict:This is supposed to be a nice Casino especially by Atlantic City standards but when you want to use a toilet seat protector you know that you are better off just holding it until you can find a cleaner one at another casino.

Stella Marina Restaurant: Asbury Park, NJ

2009-04-21T15:31:00.003-04:00

Why did I forget my Camera?

I apologize for a lack of pictures, I will try to not let that happen again.

Location: Second floor

Bowl: Covered in shit, literally. I went in to use the facilities only to see that someone had actually shit on the toilet bowl seat. 0/5

Area: Besides the shit covered seat it was a very clean bathroom. It was a bit cramped and you may have to brush asses with the person using the urinal which led to me being unable to do my business anywhere. Dimly lit as well. 3/5

Intangibles: Hostesses were hot but bitchy. For more on that see this.

Final verdict: It is hard to say anything besides Hold it considering the circumstances. If the toilet is cleaned I could give this an In and Out but we will have to wait for my next time there to see if that upgrade happens.

Bridget's Public House: Staten Island, New York

2008-05-25T09:56:00.010-04:00

You can't use a new bowl in an old shit box.

Location: Across from bar, before steps

Bowl: Looks brand new. Look at that shitter it is gleaming. 5/5

Area: From the above picture you would think that it wouldn't be too bad. Unfortunately some pictures lie, behold the horror...

and

No paper towels,I think the bottle next to what appears to be a bug trap is soap, something that appears to be a bug trap, a urinal that would give you a shy bladder and just an overall feel of a campsite bathroom. I wouldn't go to the bathroom with your equipment in here. 0/5

Intangibles: So shitty you are forced to go home, thus ensuing you don't spend too much money or get too drunk. So it's got that going for it. 0/5

Final Verdict: For all it's solitary plus of actually having a clean bathroom, the fact that it is disgusting forces you and everyone else you know to HOLD IT on this one. Of course this rule doesn't count for me since I have used it numerous times and I never felt quite right after doing so.

O'Sheas: Las Vegas, Nevada

2007-11-22T12:16:00.000-05:00

The drinks are cheap so that you don't see the floor sober.

Location: The back of the casino located by the Burger King. why yes I did say Burger King.

Bowl: Clean, with some nice and shiny porcelain. Really something I would not have expected coming from a casino with cheap tables, Beer Pong tables and a Burger King. 4/5

Area: Huge, I mean look at that picture, it is only half thesize of the stall. You could probably fit a cot in there with ease. The only problem is that the floor is dirty but that is to be expected by a dirt casino. 3/5

Intangibles: Kind of blah, just a standard bathroom. The brown walls are kind of drab.

Final Verdict: Clean bowl, huge space to relax in while doing your business and overall just a solid throne room. Dare I say it, O'Sheas will get a highly respectable Bring a paper, hell bring the New York Times, you will have plenty of room to read it in.

Luxor: Las Vegas, Nevada

2007-11-20T23:20:00.000-05:00

What horror lurks in the shadows?

Location: By the exit of the More buffet in the lowest level of the casino.

Bowl: Ewww, what the hell is that? Is it fungus? Is it shit? Wait, is that fucking fungus? What the fuck is wrong with this place? 0/5

Area: Site lines are palpable, area isn't too cozy. Is it a fungus? 3/5

Intangibles: Just a blah bathroom put next to the buffet so that you don't shit your pants after stuffing your face. 0/5

Final Verdict: There is fucking fungus in the toilet and no this wasn't a single instance either as I saw it in every stall except for one...that one had a log of shit in it. For your future health please Hold it until you get either upstairs or to another casino, it is worth shitting your pants for.

Treasure Island: Las Vegas, Nevada

2007-11-19T22:09:00.000-05:00

An Atlantic City bathroom at Las Vegas prices.

Location: Closest bathroom to second floor entrance.

Bowl: Some images can be misleading, take the first picture. It looks like a nice little toilet in which to rest your ass from the beating it has taken from gambling.

Some images are not misleading, like the picture above. This is the same toilet pictured above except now you can see how bad it is. What is that? Is that beer? Soda? Urine? Or is it something even more devious? 0/5

Area: The floor is sparkling, the site lines are minimal and the stall is a decent size. So it is pretty nice. 5/5

Intangibles: Above you will see the good and the bad when it comes to completing a bathroom. On the left we see the torso of a naked chick, no complaints there but unfortunately that disgusting pit on the right is their sink and who would want to wash their hands in that? Being as the sink is much more important than the art work, especially after you are done doing what you went into the stall to do, I am going to have to deduct some points. 1/5

Final Verdict: This bathroom would have been an easy bring a paper but instead the cleaning crew took the night off and left us with an Aerial drop. Of course if the picture was of something more than a torso my mind might have been changed.

Vegas Week

2007-11-19T15:23:00.000-05:00

Starting later today will be my week rundown on the very many casino bathrooms I hit over this past weekend. Saturday we will wrap it up with a final rankings on each.

This should be riveting if not revolting.

Rosie O'Gradys: 46th street Manhattan

2007-11-01T23:09:00.000-04:00

So I guess what I am doing here is reviewing something that has already been reviewed?

Location: First floor, back of the restaurant by the kitchen.

Bowl: The fun part is, the toilet paper was not only covering the top of the seat but was also below it. Oh and this is what it looked like when I walked in! I was wondering why the guy who walked out of teh bathroom looked more ashamed than usual. As for what I think about it, well if this guy felt that the bowl was THIS disgusting how could I go against him? 0/5
Area: I like what they have done with the bathroom, the shelf by the sink is perfect for a beer and the mirror is lighted which is good because it is kind of dark. It's a large room, too small for raquetball but big enough to move a garbage can so you can play basketball while you are doing your business. However it has some dirty tiles and is dark so it will lose some points. 3/5

Intangibles: Has a deadbolt lock and a high powered hand dryer, I like a bathroom that cares for your privacy and for your hands to dry in less than 5 hours. 5/5

Final Verdict: It is a solid bathroom that suffers due to it's poor main attraction. This is strictly an Aerial Drop but if the toilet were in better shape this could be a highly abover average crapper.

Boston Inn: Westminster MD

2007-10-18T10:56:00.000-04:00

Did someone piss on the lights?

Location: In our hotel room

Bowl: A clean standard bowl so nice to use but it was a low flow which may be great for the environment but is terrible for a McDonald's attack. I don't have all day to flush a toilet. 2/5

Area: You can't tell from the yellow pictures but the walls are a nice shade of shit brown so when you combine the shitty lighting and the pissy walls you really have a strong reminder of why you are sitting there. Besides that it was clean and the bowl wasn't too cramped so it wasn't too bad. 4/5

Intangibles: Nothing to add, just a standard blah bathroom.

Final Verdict: If you can get past the yellow glaze on everything, the shit brown walls and the 15 minutes of flush time you will see a pretty solid bathroom. Hell, Bring a Video Game, because this is the best part of the room.

Bob Evans: Westminster, Maryland

2007-10-08T15:42:00.000-04:00

And when your days are darkest a light shall lead your way.

Location: Behind hostess station in front of restaurant.

Bowl: Standard bowl, small shit residue but nothing to distract you from doing your business. 4/5

Area: This is one of the rarest public bathrooms, for as you see above this one has a door that closes flush. What does that mean? PRIVACY! Sweet glorious privacy. 5/5

Intangibles: The smell in this bathroom had a pleasantly faint smell of lemon but the perfection that the stall seems to exude is ruined by a sink that can only be classified as a disaster (unfortunately I was unable to get a shot) 1/5

Final Verdict: If not for the sink troubles we would have public perfection but instead we get an almost perfect Bring a paper. Still after eating your weight in breakfast foods how could you have a problem with that?

Killmeyer's Old Bavaria Inn: Staten Island, NY

2007-10-03T11:26:00.000-04:00

It was a dark and scary bathroom but thankfully there was no shit monster located on the bowl.

Location: just passed the door that leads to the Beer garden

Bowl: While no toilet will ever be clean enough to eat off of this one isn't too bad. The fact that a previous urinator failed to flush should not detract from the cleanliness of this porcelain throne. 5/5

Area: Sight lines will almost always be a problem in public bathrooms it is as if the owners of these establishments want you to feel self conscious as you shit and this bathroom is no different. The bathroom also looks like it is being lighted to save energy, it is just a very dark bathroom which makes you feel as if you are shitting in a dirty gas station bathroom. So you get the feeling that someone is watching you while you shit in a dirty toilet and then you add claustrophobia into the mix due to how small the stall is, simply put this is not the best situation for which you can reflect on your day as you sit upon the pearly throne. 0/5

Intangibles: Nothing extraordinary here, just a plain old toilet stall. 0/5

Final Verdict: maybe if they put higher wattage bulbs in the bathroom and centered the toilet so that your leg wouldn't rub against the wall I could enjoy this toilet more. Hell, if they just turned up the lights I wouldn't have cared if the stall was cramped or not but they don;t and it is so this is an In and Outer.

More on Shea Stadium

2007-09-26T13:32:00.000-04:00

Before the game started last night I needed to relieve myself so that I wouldn't need to during it. So I walk into the bathroom expecting hell and nasty cramped old school urinals when I see the most amazing urinal.

Look at that beautiful piece of porcelain. Shining white and it is extra large and juts out more from the wall making it like a basket to not only keep all pee in the urinal but it also avoids unsightly splash back. I needed to do know more about this fascinating new urinal so I hit the Internet.

Jackpot! Apparently it is a waterless urinal, which means it is also good for the environment AND it keeps away odor. I hope to run into this type of urinal again in my travels, a pleasure to pee in.

Shea Stadium: Flushing, Queens

2007-09-26T10:56:00.000-04:00

Looks like someone missed, with everything!

Location: Field level, behind home plate...by the good seats.

Bowl: Soiled with piss and some weird sort of orange baby puke type liquid. The weird part is, the seat is up so does that mean someone was drunk enough to try and shit without the seat being down? 0/5

Area: This is probably the brightest bathroom I have ever used in a stadium and besides the bowl being nasty this place is shockingly clean. Around the bowl there is some remnants of people who had pee'd in the past but that is only expected. The only main problem with the area is that there are sight lines in the door to make things uncomfortable. 3/5

Intangibles: No real pluses to this bathroom but you did get many screaming wahoo's in here that make your ass clench when you just want to get rid of that sausage and pepper sandwich you ate at the beginning of the game. 1/5

Final Verdict: The toilet in this particular stall is an Aerial Drop but if you found a clean one it may not be too bad. Still with the noise and sight lines plus the game going on you may just want to do a quick In and Out at Shea Stadium.

McDonalds: East Village Manhattan

2007-09-21T18:49:00.000-04:00

Some sights are not for the weak of stomach and some toilet bowls are not for the shy or small asses. So this is all wrong.

Location: In basement of McDonalds which is located on Broadway intersecting Waverly Place.

Bowl: Crooked and poorly installed but it is shockingly clean. The only real problem with the bowl is slight rusting of the pipes but that isn't too unexpected due to the fact that many drunk people have probably peed on them. 2/5

Area: Just look at the discoloration of the tiles, absolutely horrifyingly dirty . Added negative for being a door less stall which is just wrong since once you eat at Mickey D's it is only a matter of moments before you have to relieve yourself of it. Plus it is rather tight in there. 0/5

Intangibles: The picture above is of the sink area, you might as well wash your hands off by shoving it up your ass. Besides the dinginess of everything in the hole you also get the smell which consists of day old McDonald's burgers and a faint whiff of moth balls. Oh and the outer door does not lock which just about guarantees that you WILL have an audience during your BM. 0/5

Final Verdict: Look, there are some really great public bathrooms and I am not purposely going after the worst one's right at the start but I think we can all see from the pictures that this is a clear HOLD IT from a mile away.

Support those who support us!

2007-09-21T12:59:00.000-04:00

Like what we are doing here? Hate it? Want to give us a swirly at the Brooklyn Brewery? Well if any of the above fits your mood, why not check out Beerbuddies.com? 18 times the crap with no toilets involved.

Dakota Roadhouse: Downtown Manhattan

2007-09-18T13:28:00.001-04:00

All tile, porcelain is nice and gleaming white, little area to do your business...so what is wrong here?

well first the little area is just that, as it is inside a 3 and a half foot wall with no door on it and...

No lock on the actual bathroom door! What a disaster.

Location: In back of bar located just behind a pool table so if anyone is playing pool they will know exactly what you are doing.

Bowl: Sparkling, I think this was because no one would feel too comfortable using it or maybe it was because the bar was dead. 5/5

Area: very clean but no privacy negates any goodwill that the cleanliness has provided. Why would a bar do this? 0/5

Intangibles: No lock on door, no privacy, sink located right next to the wall to destroy what dignity you did have left. 0/5

Final Verdict: I don't think you need my advice on this one as most people would be able to decide for themselves if they wanted to do the deuce here but if you have to ask, this is clearly a Hold It!

Brooklyn Brewery: Williamsburg, Brooklyn

2007-09-03T08:53:00.000-04:00

One site of this and you have to wonder, what kind of desperate man would actually use a public bathroom at all?

Location: In back of Brewery behind the bar area.

Bowl: Piss covered...literally. If you look you can actually see the reservoir of urine at the back lip of the bowl. Thank god they don't technically serve food at the brewery. No back on the seat may actually be a blessing here. 0/5

Area: Nothing says inviting like stone floors. All in all unspectacular but it had no peak-a-boo cracks in the door which is a nice touch. 1/5

Intangibles: Smelled like piss, floors looked to be covered in piss and overall a blah experience. 1/5

Final Verdict: Really I don't have to look to deep here since THE TOILET IS COVERED IN PISS!!!! So here is a hint, don't fucking take a deuce here and just Hold it! Hell there has to be an alley close enough to get your business done.

Seacrets Resort: Ocean City, Maryland

2007-08-21T16:59:00.001-04:00

The Horror, the absolute horror of this bowl makes my ass clench.

LOCATION: By the entrance close to Reggae stage

Bowl: Dirty, small and no back to the seat lead to an uncomfortable experience. The automatic flusher is a nice touch so that you don't have to touch anyone else's fecal residue. 0/5

Area: Rather cramped and again it is quite dirty, I mean look at that floor. Besides that, what you don't see is are the flies that fly around you which is a sure sign of a place where I can not get comfortable to do my business. 0/5

Intangibles: The shelf behind the toilet is a nice touch so you can rest your beer (as pictured above) and it could be used for a nice magazine rack if it were located at a bar/restaurant that did such things. The pole is not pleasant especially if you are drunk and look to it to regain from a drunken stumble as it could lead to splinters. The door (not pictured as I was walked in on by a person who worked at this establishment which forced me to flee quickly) was not flush with the walls which led to some sight lines for people to peak in on you, again uncomfortable. Finally, this is an outdoor bathroom close to a bar area (about 10 feet away from a bar) which is fine but the outer door (again not pictured) has opening at the top and bottom so if you are blowing ass you could also be blowing your chances with the hot girl at the bar, not fun. 1/5

Final Verdict: There really are no pluses here and way to many negatives so please hold it in. Is it worth the embarrassment or feeling dirty for sitting on this tattered throne when there are so many dark alley ways you can pop a squat in?

My Bathroom

2007-08-18T17:14:00.000-04:00

There she is, the throne in my bathroom. The question here is if she is worth your ass time? So let's take a look at what we have here.

Bowl: A little dirty and kind of small for the larger asses out there. Also it doesn't seem to have been installed properly and any shifting by the user from one ass cheek to the other will lead to the bowl slightly moving. If cleaned up I give it a solid 2 out of 5 rating.

Area: All you have to do is look at the orange walls to realize that I rent, not that there is anything wrong with that. The floor is also a little dirty and could use a bit of cleaning. No toilet paper at the time of this photo but that problem has been since resolved. Finally let's take a look at the elephant in this tiny room, you are squeezed into your area which does not lend kindly to a relaxing time doing your business. Even if cleaned and with the TP roll replenished its still a substandard and uncomfortable area to use, 1 out of 5.

Intangibles: The smell in this room is decent so you aren't chased out unless you do so by your own stink. The real thing that helps this bowl standout from the rest is the back of the bowl library, Sports Illustrated, Gourmet, Rachel ray, Fantasy Football Mags, Men's Health, Runners World and a god damn cook book make this section second to none. 5 out of 5

Final Verdict: Not exactly the greatest of shitters but it is easily an In and Outer and depending on how you feel about the reading material provider could be a Bring the Paper kind of bowl.